shapeupship | 001 [text/action]

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001 [text/action]

lame
how could those nubby horns be sharp enough
dude has the nubbiest nubby horns
dont think rose died and she got gored by tzs
and lets not get into kanayas horns and the mayor
how the hell did the mayor make it and i died
not even a heroic death
just landed on a pair of the nubbiest horns in paradox space
couldnt be a just death either
unless paradox space is using my life in exchange for everyone elses
so when do i wake up?

[for anyone that happens to walk by Dave's room, he'll be muttering this all to himself as he types it]

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[Aziraphale is far from shy, and also generally concerned about everyone, so when he hears someone muttering to themselves he stops at the door to peek in.

Oh, dear. It's a boy. He has a bit of a soft spot for children after that whole business with the Antichrist.]

I don't think you will wake up, [he says diplomatically from the doorway, by way of hello.] Are you alright? Or is it quite normal for you to speak to yourself? [It's an openly sincere question.]

[Dave looks up and drops his phone into his lap]

Yo, gramps. [he still talks softly, but loud enough that he can be heard normally]

The game won't let me stay dead for long. It's the way it works in the godtiers. You have to die either justly or heroically and getting stabbed by KKs nubby horns is neither!

So, why you think I won't?

My name is Aziraphale, [he introduces himself primly, imagining maybe he'd used 'gramps' because he didn't know his name. (He'll learn.)

He also seems to accept this frankly incredible explanation with complete equanimity.] What game is this? I'm not entirely unfamiliar with, erm, those sorts of rules, but I can assure you that this is actual death on your part. I should know. If I didn't know, it'd be rather concerning for the world, wouldn't it?

[An angel that can't recognize the afterlife would definitely be concerning, in his opinion. Not that he's admitting he's an angel just yet.]

Azi... sure whatever AP. [and you have been nicknamed. Better than calling you Arizona]

Sburb, whole making a new universe via creepy apocalyptic video game.

I don't argue that I'm not dead, but its not permanent.

Well. If you must. [He tries not to be ruffled, but only succeeds in sounding vaguely miffed.] And you are?

Of course it's not permanent. We don't intend to keep you here forever, my boy, simply until you've found some peace. Why should this be less plausible than your, that is, your apocalyptic game, Heretical as it may be?

Dave Strider. [simple enough, should he add a joke, nah, not right now]

Heretical? Don't tell me your one of those bible thumpers.

Hardly. [There's a faint sniff. Aziraphale had honestly been quite surprised at the formation of organized religion, after everything, but he doesn't want to go into his angelic nature.] You needn't be concerned on that front, I'm simply saying, if that's when you're used to then this can't be altogether a shock.

It's more of a shock that I seem to be sticking around. [well, as long as the British sounding guy didn't start preaching at him, he wouldn't care one way or the other]

You'll have to continue being shocked, then, I suppose.

In the meantime, perhaps you'd like more of an explanation? I do know what I'm doing here.

Sure, lay it on me.

You're here to learn whatever lesson you didn't manage to learn in life, [he says pleasantly.] Once you do that, you'll move on. To have another chance, or to start over.

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If you mean 'wake up' like be alive again, our Keepers here say we gotta come to terms with something.

But they say you gotta do the same thing to be actually dead too. So hell if I know.

nah man
the nubby horned stab wounds should just heal over
maybe kk put poison on his horns
maybe i havent woken up yet because i keep dying
yeah thats it

[and he's still mumbling this shit outloud]

Keep dying? Like while you're dead?

Were you having a bad trip when you died?

suppose the grimbark was a bad trip
but nah
no drugs
i just know the rules of being godtiered

OH GOD. I'D KNOW THAT QUIRK ANYWHERE.
YOU'RE HERE TOO? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO *NOW?*

stab me with those horns of yours
we fell right the fuck down all over each other
i think i saw john before i died from nubby overdose
reminds me to ask
do you poison your horns or something?
cause i havent woken up yet
thats how godtier works right???
if its not heroic or just ill just wake up

WAIT. ARE YOU SAYING *MY HORNS* STABBED THROUGH YOU?
THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. NOT JUST IMPOSSIBLE. STUPID. YOU ARE STUPID.

i landed on you
then got stabbed with something
if it wasnt your horns i dont want to know what it was
really man
i dont want to know
if you tell me i will do a pirouette off the handle right the fuck now
dont tell me

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY MY HORNS STABBED YOU. IF ANYTHING, *I* SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO WAS KILLED BY YOU, BECAUSE YOUR FAT ASS LANDED ON ME.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR SLANDERING BULLSHIT STRIDER. SERIOUSLY.

you stabbed me just because you say you didnt doesnt make it less of a thing that happened
...
wait how are you here
i didnt crush you did i?

[and suddenly Dave feels bad because Karkat is his friend and he really doesn't want to be responsible for a friend's death]

HELL NO. I WOULDN'T DIE FROM SOME PUSSY DEATH LIKE BEING CRUSHED BY YOU. OR BEING STABBED WITH HORNS.
YOU'RE SAYING YOU SAW JOHN. SO WHEN DID I NOT STAB YOU WITH MY HORNS?

[okay that makes him feel better. Now he can get back to ripping on the fact that Karkat's nubby horns are even useless for not stabbing something]

you remember seeing jade all grimdark and angry barking?

YEAH?
THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. IS THAT REALLY WHEN YOU DIED? WAY BACK THEN?

yeah right after Jade dogported us down to the planet
and we landed in a pile
if im alive when you died then i must have come back
but if i never died in the first place
one of us is from a doomed reality
sorry man