[TEXT] ONE.

[crabkind]

WOW. THIS IS HILARIOUS. I AM LITERALLY SITTING HERE AND LAUGHING MY ASS OFF OR ROLLING ON THE FLOOR OR DOING WHATEVER SHITTY THINGS YOU PINK-FLESHED ALIENS DO WHEN SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPENS.
ACTUALLY, WAIT. NOTHING FUNNY HAS HAPPENED. SO I'M NOT REALLY LAUGHING AT ALL. IN FACT, I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE FUCK I'M ON A SHIP BEING TOLD THAT I'M DEAD. I DON'T REMEMBER DYING. OBVIOUSLY, IT HAPPENED. I GUESS I'M NOT SURPRISED. IT'S JUST ANOTHER THING I HAPPENED TO FUCK UP ON.
OKAY, SO I'M DEAD. SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW.
AM I *REALLY* SUPPOSED TO TRY AND MEND MY WAYS. ARE YOU SHITTING ME. I'M LAUGHING AGAIN, ONLY THIS TIME, AT YOUR PROFOUNDLY RIDICULOUS IDEA THAT BETTERING MYSELF WILL ALLOW ME TO BE RAISED FROM THE DEAD AGAIN. WOW. WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS. HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH SUCH A PERFECT WAY TO SUCKER DEAD LOSERS INTO TAKING CARE OF YOUR GHOST SHIP. I THINK WE'VE FOUND THE WINNER OF THIS YEAR'S BIGGEST VOMIT-INDUCING SACK OF NOOK EXCREMENT AWARD!
IF ANYONE NEEDS ME, AND I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WON'T, I'M GOING TO SIT IN THIS ROOM AND CONTEMPLATE THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE AND WONDER HOW I ROYALLY SCREWED EVERYTHING UP. THANKS.

Comments

[Video]

[kakouton]

And what's so wrong with that concept?

[text]

[crabkind]

YOU DON'T THINK IT'S WRONG TO LIE TO PEOPLE? I HAVE BEEN AROUND DEATH A WHOLE FUCKING LOT, AND LET ME TELL YOU. DEATH IS DEATH. ONCE YOU'RE DEAD, YOU ARE NEVER COMING BACK. AT LEAST NOT WITH A PHYSICAL BODY. YOU CAN COME BACK AS A GHOST.
BUT TO PROMISE PEOPLE THEY'LL COME BACK TO LIFE IN THE END? I CALL BULLSHIT. THAT'S STUPID AND YOU SHOULD FEEL STUPID FOR BELIEVING THIS STEAMING PILE OF LIES.

[video]

[kakouton]

I- [Well, he wasn't as dreamy as to tell it is entirely wrong. Some lies were necessary..]

How do you know this place is a lie, though. You've never been here before. Sometimes you get too used to something to see it clearly.

[text]

[crabkind]

AND *WHAT* IS IT THAT I SHOULD BE USED TO? IS IT THE FACT THAT THERE IS A SHIP LARGE ENOUGH TO CARRY AROUND A BUNCH OF DEAD GUYS? OR IS IT THAT THE DEAD GUYS ARE GOING TO BE BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE IF THEY'RE *GOOD ENOUGH*? OR MAYBE IT'S THE IDEA THAT EVERYONE ON HERE IS STUPIDLY FOLLOWING ALONG WITH THESE RULES AND AREN'T EVEN ASKING ANY FUCKING QUESTIONS?
DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS SOUND THE TINIEST BIT LOGICAL TO YOU? AM *I* REALLY THE ONE WHO ISN'T SEEING THINGS CLEARLY? OKAY, WE'LL GO WITH THAT! SINCE WHATEVER I SAY SEEMS TO FALL ON DEAF EARS ONE FUCKING WAY OR ANOTHER. GOD DAMN IT.

[video]

[kakouton]

[Dun smirks a little.]

How about all of it?

[Of course he knew this was crazy. Hell, he had a hard time believing the whole stuff himself. He liked to look at things logically when it was possible. But it wasn't in this case. Existing even when he remembered how his cousin had driven his sword through him was already crazy enough.]

You've got no proof that all of this is a lie either, right?

[text;]

[ruineaxt]

This is way too much bitching.

What are you really asking here.

[text]

[crabkind]

YOU'RE SO FUNNY. HAHAHA. CAN YOU SEE ME HOLDING MY SIDES IN LAUGHTER? SHIT, I'M DOING A LOT OF LAUGHING TODAY.
FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKING.

[text;]

[ruineaxt]

Then the answer's no. Sorry to let you down.

[text]

[crabkind]

SO BASICALLY YOU HAVE NOTHING USEFUL TO SAY. WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?

[text;]

[ruineaxt]

So what, do most strangers agree to let you fuck them?

voice

[storesbooks]

Goodness, that is a lot of swearing.

Are you all right, my dear? I know there's cause to be upset, but you mustn't get away from yourself. I can assure you that this isn't a lie.

[text]

[crabkind]

MY DEAR? REALLY? ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?

voice

[storesbooks]

Er, what? [He sounds slightly dumbfounded.]

Whyever would I do that? I'm concerned. You seem quite distressed.

[text]

[crabkind]

DON'T HUMANS CALL EACH OTHER SHAMELESS WORDS LIKE *DEAR* WHEN THEY WANT TO BE AFFECTIONATE WITH EACH OTHER? WITH YOUR SINGLE-QUADRANT ROMANCES I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND? WHY ELSE WOULD YOU SHOW CONCERN FOR ME? YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

audio forever

[storesbooks]

I'm afraid I don't indulge in romance of any kind. [He sounds kind of ruffled and indignant about having to clarify that, actually.] And I'm not human, either, if that's your worry.

It's more that I'm concerned for everyone, whether I've met them or not, [he says primly.]

[text]

[king_of_spades]

You royally screwed up everything? Me too!

Cheer up man!

[text]

[crabkind]

OH MY GOD. GOOD FOR YOU. I ALREADY FEEL HAPPIER KNOWING I AM NOT THE ONLY BIGGEST FUCK-UP THAT EVER LIVED. IT IS SO COMFORTING TO KNOW THAT ALL MY PAST TRANSGRESSIONS CAN BE WIPED AWAY BY JUST PUTTING A FUCKING SMILE ON MY FACE! A MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLE!

[king_of_spades]

Well, I'm glad I made you feel better about it.

And take it easy on the swear words man. (you are talking to a king after all.)

[text]

[crabkind]

CAN'T HANDLE A LITTLE SWEARING, PRINCESS? ARE YOUR PANSYASS HUMAN HEAR HOLES TOO FUCKING MODEST TO TAKE IN THE SOUNDS OF SOMEONE ELSE CURSING TO THE HEAVENS?
WHAT A FUCKING TOOL, YOU FUCKING SHITSTAIN FUCK-FACE.

[text]

[king_of_spades]

Oh I can handle them alright. But I try to shake it off, my Queen will be very unhappy if he hears any conversations with even minimal swearing. My Queen will be furious to say the least.

[action]

[crabkind]

[Karkat has waited patiently... or, well, as patiently as he could, babbling to himself about ships and angels and whatever he's angry with. his door is slightly ajar when Aziraphale knocks and the troll answers immediately, practically yanking it open.

you are met with a rather short, grey-skinned individual. he has sharp teeth, nubby horns, and a glare fixated on you. this is your inmate! congratulations!]

About time.

[despite his rough voice, he's pretty nervous. this whole being dead thing doesn't sit well with him. Karkat is still hoping that this is all a joke or a dream or something equally stupid that he doesn't need to fret over]

[action]

[storesbooks]

[The angel is taken aback for a moment-- he'd seen his appearance on his little screen before, briefly, but it was much different in person-- but it doesn't last long. He's spent way too much time with demons searching for a reaction.

Aziraphale recovers with a determined, and not all faked, air of pleasantness.] Oh, it wasn't that much of a wait. May I come in?

[He himself is even more British, and more congenial, in person. He's slightly overweight and in a button-up shirt with a sweater vest and an unfortunate red tartan scarf. All in all he looks like he's stepped out of a 1950's library.]

[action]

[crabkind]

[maybe this angel went shopping with Eridan, or something. Karkat rolls his eyes but steps to the side to allow his warden passage. the inmates rooms are very plain]

So. I guess we should. Get acquainted. Or something.

[action]

[storesbooks]

[After their rough start, Aziraphale was expecting a lot more difficulty to get Karkat to cooperate, but it turns out he doesn't have to do anything. He bustles inside with a grateful smile.]

Yes, I think so. I'm quite interested to hear about you. I'm not altogether sure what you are, for one thing. [Though he sounds rather cheery and not dismayed by that.]

If hearing about me would set your mind at ease, though, you're welcome to ask anything you'd like. I've already revealed my secret.

[action]

[crabkind]

[fair is fair. Karkat doesn't really owe this douche anything but whatever]

I'm a troll. Or alien, if you want to go there. I come from a planet called Alternia.