[TEXT] ONE.

[crabkind]

WOW. THIS IS HILARIOUS. I AM LITERALLY SITTING HERE AND LAUGHING MY ASS OFF OR ROLLING ON THE FLOOR OR DOING WHATEVER SHITTY THINGS YOU PINK-FLESHED ALIENS DO WHEN SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPENS.
ACTUALLY, WAIT. NOTHING FUNNY HAS HAPPENED. SO I'M NOT REALLY LAUGHING AT ALL. IN FACT, I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE FUCK I'M ON A SHIP BEING TOLD THAT I'M DEAD. I DON'T REMEMBER DYING. OBVIOUSLY, IT HAPPENED. I GUESS I'M NOT SURPRISED. IT'S JUST ANOTHER THING I HAPPENED TO FUCK UP ON.
OKAY, SO I'M DEAD. SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW.
AM I *REALLY* SUPPOSED TO TRY AND MEND MY WAYS. ARE YOU SHITTING ME. I'M LAUGHING AGAIN, ONLY THIS TIME, AT YOUR PROFOUNDLY RIDICULOUS IDEA THAT BETTERING MYSELF WILL ALLOW ME TO BE RAISED FROM THE DEAD AGAIN. WOW. WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS. HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH SUCH A PERFECT WAY TO SUCKER DEAD LOSERS INTO TAKING CARE OF YOUR GHOST SHIP. I THINK WE'VE FOUND THE WINNER OF THIS YEAR'S BIGGEST VOMIT-INDUCING SACK OF NOOK EXCREMENT AWARD!
IF ANYONE NEEDS ME, AND I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WON'T, I'M GOING TO SIT IN THIS ROOM AND CONTEMPLATE THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE AND WONDER HOW I ROYALLY SCREWED EVERYTHING UP. THANKS.

Comments

[crabkind]

[frowns, looking off to the side]

I just don't believe any of this shit, okay? I've been around a lot of dead people. In fact, most of my goddamn friends died. And now they're ghosts, which means I can see them. But they're still dead. I don't know why I should get a second chance and not them. A lot of them didn't deserve to die...

[maybe he let a little of that wall down here]

[storesbooks]

[He responds to that moment of honesty instantly, smoothly transitioning from his scolding back to his earlier sympathy.] I'm very sorry to hear that, my dear, [he says genuinely.] Death is always awful for the living.

But you did say that they're ghosts. There's nothing to say they didn't get their own second chance, or, or a version of it. The afterlife is complex. I couldn't say why you're here and they aren't.

[crabkind]

[there's that 'my dear' again. bluh bluh]

I guess that's true. A lot of them were wandering around like idiots, but then there are some who were trying to do helpful things.

[this talk is depressing him. he's slumping a little]

[storesbooks]

[Sorry, it's an incurable part of his dialogue.]

Death can be a shock to some, and to others it is just another day, only you happen to be dead. [He notices that Karkat is losing his earlier angry enthusiasm and decides to change topic.] Perhaps you'd like to meet with me and we can discuss... er, matters? I imagine you're as eager to get out of here as I am to see you do it. There's no sense in working at cross purposes.

[crabkind]

[huff, crosses his arms]

Whatever. Not like I have anything else to do.

[storesbooks]

[Brightening up immediately,] Splendid. I'll just come to you, then, shall I?

[crabkind]

Fine, fine. Just don't get lost so I have to come and find your sorry angel ass.

[storesbooks]

I hardly ever get lost, don't worry.

[Being able to tap into some omniscience helps with that, though Aziraphale generally doesn't like to cheat. That's why he's ambling over at a sedate pace, not miracling himself there in the blink of an eye. He's polite that way.

He's even polite enough to knock on Karkat's cabin door.]

[crabkind]

[continued here!]