shapeupship | [TEXT] ONE.

WOW. THIS IS HILARIOUS. I AM LITERALLY SITTING HERE AND LAUGHING MY ASS OFF OR ROLLING ON THE FLOOR OR DOING WHATEVER SHITTY THINGS YOU PINK-FLESHED ALIENS DO WHEN SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPENS.
ACTUALLY, WAIT. NOTHING FUNNY HAS HAPPENED. SO I'M NOT REALLY LAUGHING AT ALL. IN FACT, I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE FUCK I'M ON A SHIP BEING TOLD THAT I'M DEAD. I DON'T REMEMBER DYING. OBVIOUSLY, IT HAPPENED. I GUESS I'M NOT SURPRISED. IT'S JUST ANOTHER THING I HAPPENED TO FUCK UP ON.
OKAY, SO I'M DEAD. SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW.
AM I *REALLY* SUPPOSED TO TRY AND MEND MY WAYS. ARE YOU SHITTING ME. I'M LAUGHING AGAIN, ONLY THIS TIME, AT YOUR PROFOUNDLY RIDICULOUS IDEA THAT BETTERING MYSELF WILL ALLOW ME TO BE RAISED FROM THE DEAD AGAIN. WOW. WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS. HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH SUCH A PERFECT WAY TO SUCKER DEAD LOSERS INTO TAKING CARE OF YOUR GHOST SHIP. I THINK WE'VE FOUND THE WINNER OF THIS YEAR'S BIGGEST VOMIT-INDUCING SACK OF NOOK EXCREMENT AWARD!
IF ANYONE NEEDS ME, AND I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WON'T, I'M GOING TO SIT IN THIS ROOM AND CONTEMPLATE THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE AND WONDER HOW I ROYALLY SCREWED EVERYTHING UP. THANKS.

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[He politely ignores the questioning of his word choice.]

I am a warden, yes, but making you repent for your sins, no. I'm not ordinarily that... ah, hands on. It's quite unusual for me to admit I'm not human at all, but I thought, well, it's silly of me to hide here, isn't it?

I'D THINK SO. WE'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH EACH OTHER. CAN'T GO AROUND BEING ALL ELUSIVE.
GOT A NAME, OR DO YOU JUST WANT TO GO BY FUCKING OMNIPOTENT OLD MAN ANGEL?

[Pleased at the sudden bent toward cooperation, he says,] Yes, I think so, too.

Aziraphale. And yourself?

. . .

ARE YOU *SURE* YOU'RE THE AZIRAPHALE? NOT SOMEONE ELSE?

The only one in existence. Why?

THAT IS THE NAME I WAS GIVEN WHEN I GOT HERE. I THINK *YOU'RE* MY WARDEN.
OH MY GOD. WHY.

Oh! Oh. Goodness. I wasn't expecting that.

So you're Mr. Vantas. There's hardly cause for dramatics-- I'm not that dreadful, am I? Actually I'm rather excited to help.

[there's another pause, and then the computer screen flickers to life. there is Karkat, a gray body, nubby horns and all. this is your inmate!]

Excited to help? Good for you! Why don't you help me by staying the fuck out of my way? I'd rather slice my head open on a fucking sharp rock more than follow your tight-ass rules!

[if it makes you feel better, Az, he would have treated any warden he got the same way]

[He appreciates the video, and is taken aback for a few seconds at his appearance before he's frowning at his swearing.]

Please refrain from swearing so much, or using such graphic imagery, [he says, scolding. It's a lot like a disappointed father.] It's distressing. And as far as I'm aware I haven't imposed any rules just yet. Why, would you like any?

[The truth is, Aziraphale is pretty hands off for a warden. He sees things incredibly long term, and it makes him patient and unhurried. There's no sense in pushing someone along to a conclusion they don't want to come to. If Karkat doesn't want to work on his potential resurrection right now, why, that's his choice. Aziraphale will do all he can to help, but he won't impose himself. That would infringe on free will.

That doesn't mean he can't mildly needle him.]

[and the weird thing is, is Karkat respects Aziraphale's fight. the guy didn't shrink away from him, and was still even willing to be his warden. not that KK wants a warden, but still. some respect there]

I'll talk the way I want, you sack of maggot-food! I've been talking like this my whole life, and I'm not going to change just for you. Not even if you make some silly rule against it.

[It's tough to intimidate someone with thousands of years of experience living on his own, really. Aziraphale might be kind, and overly polite, but he's far from a shrinking violet at heart.

He does wince at the insult.] I'm not making any rules, so put that thought out of your head right now, [he says disapprovingly.] Really, you needn't be so hostile. I'm not some sort of, of tyrant.

[frowns, looking off to the side]

I just don't believe any of this shit, okay? I've been around a lot of dead people. In fact, most of my goddamn friends died. And now they're ghosts, which means I can see them. But they're still dead. I don't know why I should get a second chance and not them. A lot of them didn't deserve to die...

[maybe he let a little of that wall down here]

[He responds to that moment of honesty instantly, smoothly transitioning from his scolding back to his earlier sympathy.] I'm very sorry to hear that, my dear, [he says genuinely.] Death is always awful for the living.

But you did say that they're ghosts. There's nothing to say they didn't get their own second chance, or, or a version of it. The afterlife is complex. I couldn't say why you're here and they aren't.

Edited (in which I fail at reading comprehension, lol) 2013-04-27 06:04 (UTC)

[there's that 'my dear' again. bluh bluh]

I guess that's true. A lot of them were wandering around like idiots, but then there are some who were trying to do helpful things.

[this talk is depressing him. he's slumping a little]

[Sorry, it's an incurable part of his dialogue.]

Death can be a shock to some, and to others it is just another day, only you happen to be dead. [He notices that Karkat is losing his earlier angry enthusiasm and decides to change topic.] Perhaps you'd like to meet with me and we can discuss... er, matters? I imagine you're as eager to get out of here as I am to see you do it. There's no sense in working at cross purposes.

[huff, crosses his arms]

Whatever. Not like I have anything else to do.

[Brightening up immediately,] Splendid. I'll just come to you, then, shall I?

Fine, fine. Just don't get lost so I have to come and find your sorry angel ass.

I hardly ever get lost, don't worry.

[Being able to tap into some omniscience helps with that, though Aziraphale generally doesn't like to cheat. That's why he's ambling over at a sedate pace, not miracling himself there in the blink of an eye. He's polite that way.

He's even polite enough to knock on Karkat's cabin door.]

[continued here!]

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