[TEXT] ONE.

[crabkind]

WOW. THIS IS HILARIOUS. I AM LITERALLY SITTING HERE AND LAUGHING MY ASS OFF OR ROLLING ON THE FLOOR OR DOING WHATEVER SHITTY THINGS YOU PINK-FLESHED ALIENS DO WHEN SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPENS.
ACTUALLY, WAIT. NOTHING FUNNY HAS HAPPENED. SO I'M NOT REALLY LAUGHING AT ALL. IN FACT, I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE FUCK I'M ON A SHIP BEING TOLD THAT I'M DEAD. I DON'T REMEMBER DYING. OBVIOUSLY, IT HAPPENED. I GUESS I'M NOT SURPRISED. IT'S JUST ANOTHER THING I HAPPENED TO FUCK UP ON.
OKAY, SO I'M DEAD. SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW.
AM I *REALLY* SUPPOSED TO TRY AND MEND MY WAYS. ARE YOU SHITTING ME. I'M LAUGHING AGAIN, ONLY THIS TIME, AT YOUR PROFOUNDLY RIDICULOUS IDEA THAT BETTERING MYSELF WILL ALLOW ME TO BE RAISED FROM THE DEAD AGAIN. WOW. WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS. HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH SUCH A PERFECT WAY TO SUCKER DEAD LOSERS INTO TAKING CARE OF YOUR GHOST SHIP. I THINK WE'VE FOUND THE WINNER OF THIS YEAR'S BIGGEST VOMIT-INDUCING SACK OF NOOK EXCREMENT AWARD!
IF ANYONE NEEDS ME, AND I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WON'T, I'M GOING TO SIT IN THIS ROOM AND CONTEMPLATE THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE AND WONDER HOW I ROYALLY SCREWED EVERYTHING UP. THANKS.

Comments

[text]

[crabkind]

DON'T HUMANS CALL EACH OTHER SHAMELESS WORDS LIKE *DEAR* WHEN THEY WANT TO BE AFFECTIONATE WITH EACH OTHER? WITH YOUR SINGLE-QUADRANT ROMANCES I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND? WHY ELSE WOULD YOU SHOW CONCERN FOR ME? YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

audio forever

[storesbooks]

I'm afraid I don't indulge in romance of any kind. [He sounds kind of ruffled and indignant about having to clarify that, actually.] And I'm not human, either, if that's your worry.

It's more that I'm concerned for everyone, whether I've met them or not, [he says primly.]

[text]

[crabkind]

WAIT WAIT WAIT. ONE FUCKING BOMBSHELL AT A TIME. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T INDULGE IN ROMANCE OF ANY KIND? WHY THE HELL NOT?


[THIS IS SERIOUSLY A BIG DEAL TO HIM]

[storesbooks]

I'd hardly call them bombshells...

My kind doesn't have romance in the strictest sense. There's no need; we're immortal and don't reproduce. In fact it's somewhat insulting even to suggest it. [There's a tone implying, and I'd thank you to stop, but Aziraphale is too polite to come out and say it.]

[text]

[crabkind]

I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT REPRODUCTION! I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT IF YOU'RE IMMORTAL YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT THAT OTHER SHIT INVOLVED. BUT ROMANCE IS DIFFERENT. ISN'T IT?
NEVER MIND.
SO WHAT ARE YOU THEN, IF YOU'RE NOT A HUMAN?

[storesbooks]

Oh, alright, I suppose I may as well admit it. [Coming out of the closet, as it were.]

I'm an angel. I'm supposed to be above Earthly concerns such as romance, you realize.

[crabkind]

...
AN ANGEL.
YOU LOOK PRETTY OLD TO BE AN ANGEL. ARE YOU AN OLD ANGEL?

[storesbooks]

[Doubtfully,] All angels are by default old, aren't they?

We were all made at the Beginning. So yes, I suppose I am old.

[crabkind]

YOU LOOK LIKE AN AGING HUMAN MALE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY AWESOME ANGEL POWERS? CAN YOU FLY? OR DO YOU HAVE GOLD BLOOD OR WINGS OR A FORKED TONGUE?

[storesbooks]

Yes, that's intentional, [he answers patiently.] I'm in a vessel. This isn't my true form.

[Not that he spends any time in his true form anymore...]

Dear me, of course I don't have a forked tongue! I'm not a demon. I'm able to alter reality as I wish, for the most part, but I try not to be rude about it. [He actually sounds a little uncomfortable discussing it.] Mostly I just perform minor miracles here and there, to make life easier, you see.

[crabkind]

OKAY. PERFORM A MIRACLE RIGHT NOW.
PUT ME BACK WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE.
ALSO GET RID OF ALL LONG, YELLOW, HUMAN FRUIT.

[storesbooks]

I'm not here to do tricks for you! [he protests.] Miracles are acts of benevolence, not-- not idle whimsy.

In any case, I try not to interfere with powers above my level, which this certainly is. So I'm a part of the system the same as you. You'll have to stay where you are.

[crabkind]

YEAH, I KNOW ALL ABOUT MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLES, AND THEY AREN'T ACTS OF *BENEVOLENCE.* MAYBE IT'S JUST AS WELL YOU CAN'T DO THEM. BELIEVING IN MIRACLES THAT ARE ACTUALLY HELPFUL IS A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME.
SO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME A GODDAMN *ANGEL* DOESN'T HAVE THE AUTHORITY ON A SLAVE-LABOR SHIP FULL OF DEAD PEOPLE? EVERYTHING YOU'RE SAYING TO ME JUST MAKES ME DOUBT YOU MORE AND MORE.

[storesbooks]

My miracles are certainly acts of benevolence, [he says stiffly,] but I don't feel the need to prove it to you. [Pointedly,] That wouldn't be very benevolent, now would it?

I'm only a Principality, you know. My authority is very much subject to revision. I have some leeway in regards to matters on Earth, but I'm not let loose willy nilly to affect reality as I please.

[crabkind]

WILLY NILLY.
OKAY, SO LET'S SAY YOU *ARE* AN ANGEL. DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE A WARDEN? ARE YOU HERE TO WHIP US ALL INTO SHAPE? MAKE US DO ALL THIS WORK AND REPENT FOR OUR SINS OR SOME SHIT?

[storesbooks]

[He politely ignores the questioning of his word choice.]

I am a warden, yes, but making you repent for your sins, no. I'm not ordinarily that... ah, hands on. It's quite unusual for me to admit I'm not human at all, but I thought, well, it's silly of me to hide here, isn't it?

[crabkind]

I'D THINK SO. WE'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH EACH OTHER. CAN'T GO AROUND BEING ALL ELUSIVE.
GOT A NAME, OR DO YOU JUST WANT TO GO BY FUCKING OMNIPOTENT OLD MAN ANGEL?

[storesbooks]

[Pleased at the sudden bent toward cooperation, he says,] Yes, I think so, too.

Aziraphale. And yourself?

[text] 1/2

[crabkind]

. . .

[text] 2/2

[crabkind]

ARE YOU *SURE* YOU'RE THE AZIRAPHALE? NOT SOMEONE ELSE?

[storesbooks]

The only one in existence. Why?

[crabkind]

THAT IS THE NAME I WAS GIVEN WHEN I GOT HERE. I THINK *YOU'RE* MY WARDEN.
OH MY GOD. WHY.

[storesbooks]

Oh! Oh. Goodness. I wasn't expecting that.

So you're Mr. Vantas. There's hardly cause for dramatics-- I'm not that dreadful, am I? Actually I'm rather excited to help.

[video]

[crabkind]

[there's another pause, and then the computer screen flickers to life. there is Karkat, a gray body, nubby horns and all. this is your inmate!]

Excited to help? Good for you! Why don't you help me by staying the fuck out of my way? I'd rather slice my head open on a fucking sharp rock more than follow your tight-ass rules!

[if it makes you feel better, Az, he would have treated any warden he got the same way]

[storesbooks]

[He appreciates the video, and is taken aback for a few seconds at his appearance before he's frowning at his swearing.]

Please refrain from swearing so much, or using such graphic imagery, [he says, scolding. It's a lot like a disappointed father.] It's distressing. And as far as I'm aware I haven't imposed any rules just yet. Why, would you like any?

[The truth is, Aziraphale is pretty hands off for a warden. He sees things incredibly long term, and it makes him patient and unhurried. There's no sense in pushing someone along to a conclusion they don't want to come to. If Karkat doesn't want to work on his potential resurrection right now, why, that's his choice. Aziraphale will do all he can to help, but he won't impose himself. That would infringe on free will.

That doesn't mean he can't mildly needle him.]